Managing parental conflict

Disagreements, tension and misunderstandings can happen in any family, but some types of conflict between parents or carers (whether they are together or separated) can negatively affect children and young people of any age – impacting their mental health and wellbeing in the long-term.  

It’s important to handle disagreements in a calm and respectful way. Most children can cope with disagreements that are calm, short-lived and resolved effectively. 

Children also learn from those around them; by addressing conflict in this way it can show your child how to manage it effectively themselves as they grow. 

How do I know if conflict in my relationship is harmful?

Harmful parental conflict is repeated, unresolved, intense or aggressive. This may include: 

• Shouting or having aggressive arguments 

• Not speaking or listening to each other for long periods of time 

• Using disrespectful or critical language 

• Letting issues linger without calmly addressing them 

Parental conflict is different to domestic abuse. If you feel emotionally, financially, physically or sexually abused by your partner then support is available. Domestic abuse is never the fault of the victim and is a crime – click here for more information and support on the Refuge website. 

How can harmful parental conflict affect my child?

If a child’s home doesn’t feel calm, secure or emotionally safe to them it can negatively affect: 

• Their confidence or self-esteem 

• Their mental and physical health 

• Their behaviour at school and at home 

• Their academic progress and achievements 

• Their own relationships with friends, peers and siblings 

• Their future romantic relationships as they grow 

Parents and carers in conflict with each other can sometimes become more aggressive towards their children and less sensitive or emotionally responsive to their needs as they try to cope with their own situation.  

By actively reducing conflict with a partner, you can reduce the chances of emotions spilling over into your family life and help your children to feel safe, settled and secure. 

How can I reduce parental conflict?

Small changes can make a big difference. If you’re concerned that conflict is having a negative impact on your family and their wellbeing, here are some practical steps you can take to reduce it: 

1. Tackle difficult conversations at a time where you both have the space to listen and respond thoughtfully 

If you find this difficult, wait to have the conversations when your child isn’t around. Remember that your child doesn’t need to be in the same room to be affected by conflict as they may be able to overhear conversations.   

2. Keep conversations calm 

Pay attention to your emotions and take a breath and count to ten if you start feeling agitated or tense. If one person can’t stay calm, try taking a break from the conversation. One person staying calm is better than none, and it will help the other person to react differently too 

3. Stop and think about what might be going on for the other person 

If you don’t know, you can gently ask what life factors are affecting them 

4.Try to avoid blame and criticism where possible 

Focus on how you feel and what you need, as opposed to focusing only on what went wrong 

5. Be sure to listen to the other person, giving them time to respond  

Actively listen and don’t interrupt. Take time for your own responses to be heard and considered too 

6. Be open and respectful to what the other person has to say 

7. Be open to compromising and finding a middle ground where you can 

8. Remind each other of the things you agree on 

Giving some attention to the positives in your relationship, family life or the things you agree on can help 

9. Spend quality time with your whole family 

Make time for each other as a family, even small moments can help 

Additional support

Remember that you don’t have to face challenging times alone. The following support is also available: 

• Relate – advice about building and sustaining positive relationships, they also offer relationship counselling 

• See it differently – information to help parents to recognise unhelpful conflict patterns and explore small changes that make a positive difference 

• Family Lives – confidential advice and support for parents and carers, including a free helpline and online guidance about family relationships 

• RelationKit – short videos exploring relationship challenges and practical ways to handle conflict more constructively 

Useful links

Barnardo’s – Managing parental conflict